HOW TO SIMULATE SHIPBOARD LIFE AT HOME.
1. Lock
all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with
letters that your neighbors have held for at least three weeks and discarded one
out of five.
2. Surround yourself with 250
people you don’t like i.e. people who smoke, flatulate loudly, fragrantly, and
often, snore like a Mack truck going up hill, and use foul language the way a
child uses sugar on cereal.
3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely
cut yourself off from the outside world. Have TIME or NEWSWEEK from two months
ago and a PLAYBOY with all the pictures torn out.
4. Monitor
all home appliances hourly, recording all pertinent info (i.e.-what’s plugged
in, what lights are on, what doors are open etc. If not used recently, cover
with tags labeled DANGER.
5. Do
not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of
forty people using the same washroom at once. After that flush once
daily.
6. Lock
the bathroom door twice a day for a four-hour period.
7. Wear
only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, once each week clean and press
your dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes and then change into your normal
uniform.
8. Cut
your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you are bald or look like
you tangled with a demented sheep sheerer.
9. Work
18 hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time to ensure that your body
neither knows nor cares whether it is day or night.
10. Listen
to your favorite cassette six times every day for two weeks; then play music
that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favorite
cassette.
11. Cut
a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of the bed. Add a roof that
prevents you from sitting in an upright position. Now place it on a platform so
that it is about four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal underneath
it to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.
12. Set
your alarm to go off at ten minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to
simulate the various times that watch keepers bump around and wake you up. Place
your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three
hours Make use of a custom alarm clock that will duplicate the sound of the
action alarm.
13. Have
week old fruit and veggies delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before
eating them.
14. Prepare
all meals blindfolded, using all the spices you can get your hands on or none at
all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in less than three minutes.
15. Periodically
shut off all the power and run around shouting “Fire,Fire,Fire” several
times. Do this until you lose your voice and then restore the power.
16. At
least once a month force the commode to overflow into the bathroom to simulate a
Hull Tech boo-boo.
17. Buy
a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the face shield with steel
wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth
day, especially in the bathroom.
18.Study the owner’s manuals for all your
household appliances, and regularly take them apart and put them back together
again.
19. Remove
all plants, pictures, and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, or the
shade of hospital smocks.
20. Buy
50 cases of rolled cardboard (fake toilet paper) and lock up all but two rolls.
Ensure one is always wet.
21. Smash
your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision
injuries sustained on Navy vessels.
22.When making sandwiches, leave the bread
out for about six days or until hard and stale whichever comes first.
23. Every
10 weeks simulate leave in a foreign port. Go directly to the city slums,
wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place and ask for the most
expensive imported beer they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take
a cab home using the longest possible route. Tip the cabbie after he charges you
double because you dress funny and don't speak right.
24. Use
fresh milk for only two days after going on leave.
25. Keep
the bedroom thermostat at 5C and use only one blanket.
26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a ratio varying from a fast drip and a weak trickle with the temperature alternating rapidly between 1C and 95C